Hearing Sang You’s questioning and screaming, Gong Ze’s breathing faltered for a moment.
His arms were like iron chains imprisoning the youth who had once shared life and death with him. Sang You was a little bird he had wounded, crying tragically and wanting to fly away.
Gong Ze lowered his head, ignoring Sang You’s struggles. His chin rested on the top of Sang You’s head as Sang You shook his head, hoarse from crying. His downcast gaze looked somewhere in the room without focus. His reddened eyes seemed to have traces of water, but on closer look there was nothing.
After a long time, Gong Ze finally said in a dry, calm voice, as if talking to himself.
“…In the next life, we were very happy. We went through three lifetimes. In the second life, we grew old together. In the third life, I went one step before you. We even adopted a child. You can’t remember now because your soul split. After fusion, you will remember everything.”
“…You are Sang You. You are Lu Youling of the second life, and also Feng Yuan of the third life… The person I love most has only ever been one person, and that is ‘you.’”
“…The ones who shared life and death were us. The ones who grew old together were us.”
“…Sang You, I love you.”
Very lucky—the only one unchanged is me. The only one who remembers is me.
Very unfortunate—the only one unchanged is me. The only one who remembers is me.
He raised his head and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. When Gong Ze opened them again, the feather was in his hand. “Back then I couldn’t leave you alone and chose to die together, personally killing you. Today I can’t let you stay until you disappear. I must send you back to your original body.”
Sang You stared at the strange feather in fear, shaking his head constantly.
“No, I don’t want to! Gong Ze, I’m scared! I’m scared—”
Hearing Sang You call his name in fear, the heart beneath Gong Ze’s chest nearly shattered. His rationality cracked and collapsed amid his lover’s pleading.
His throat clogged, Gong Ze comforted quietly:
“Sang You, this won’t hurt. And you won’t disappear. You will still remember who you are.”
“…No…”
“It’s true. Believe me.”
“…”
Sang You raised his head, revealing hazy tearful eyes full of unease. “I don’t want to become a second personality or someone’s appendage. I-I don’t want…”
Gong Ze lowered his head and wiped his wet face clean, his thumb brushing away the tiny droplets about to fall. Seeing this, he uncontrollably cupped Sang You’s face and lowered his head to kiss his forehead, nose tip, and lips.
The taste of lips visited by tears was salty and astringent.
Their nose tips touched. Their pupils reflected each other.
Gong Ze gently and carefully nursed his fear. “You won’t become a second personality, nor anyone’s appendage. That is your original appearance. You are my lost lover. Now you are going home.”
Sang You looked at Gong Ze’s gentle gaze. His breathing calmed, though he still could not stop sobbing.
“Then will I forget you?” he said, crying.
“No.” Gong Ze lowered his head and touched his lower lip. Sang You opened his mouth to accept him in, using a higher temperature to soothe his body frozen stiff by uncertainty.
The lingering touch finally stabilized Sang You’s emotions.
The beautiful youth clutched the clothes at his lover’s chest. “Then,” he licked his dry lips and observed Gong Ze’s expression as he asked: “Do you love me because I am him, or because I am Sang You?!”
Gong Ze was stunned, then could not help laughing.
“What kind of question is this? You’re even jealous of yourself. You are one person.”
Sang You sniffled and lowered his head, stubborn and pitiful. “Anyway, in my view it’s not the same. Answer me.”
“Fine.” Gong Ze hugged him tight and answered honestly: “At first I didn’t know you were him. I thought I had fallen in love with someone else. At the time I thought, after we left that world together, I would take your soul and start over.”
Sang You was satisfied after hearing this.
But before the smile on his face could spread, he paused and murmured: “If that’s the case, then what attracted you and made you fall in love with me? Was it because I am his soul, or because of my looks or something else?”
Gong Ze: “…”
Gong Ze held his silly wife’s head with both hands, amused by his sensitive calculations. “If you calculate it that way, it can never be fully calculated. Maybe all of it? And to be precise, that isn’t ‘his’ soul. It’s also yours.”
Sang You said quietly: “But I always feel unhappy, as if I’ve become someone’s substitute…”
“Do I have to go back? Can I stay like this with you instead?” Sang You asked urgently.
Gong Ze shook his head.
“I want to too. But if you don’t fuse, after a long time you will disappear. Completely.”
Sang You: “…”
After a long while, Sang You said dejectedly: “Fine.”
The pretty youth, eye rims and nose tip red, clutched Gong Ze’s clothes. Tears seemed about to fall again.
“You have to remember me! You can’t forget me! I am special. At the very least, I want to be special in your heart!”
“Of course you are.”
The time of parting arrived. Gong Ze’s eyes also felt as if sand had blown into them. He smiled slightly and said quietly: “I will never forget.”
Sang You, tears flowing, closed his eyes.
Gong Ze took out the feather. His gaze seemed to want to carve the youth’s appearance into the bottom of his heart. Slowly, he pressed the feather against Sang You’s arm.
Light shone.
The shadow of the slightly willful, slightly proud youth was no longer in place. Gong Ze lowered his head and looked at the feather pinched between his fingers.
The quiet room was like the cold bottom of a lake.
It pressed on a person until they could not breathe.
“Haa…”
Breath hiding a faint tremble entered his throat. Gong Ze pulled at the corner of his mouth, tightened his grip on the feather, and stuffed it into his pocket. He mocked himself quietly:
“If it’s like this every time, what good person could stand it? Do you see me as unwilling to die and insist on tormenting me to death?”
This fucking…
Wasn’t this carving flesh from his heart? And three times in a row.
Thinking Feng Yuan would arrive soon, Gong Ze had to sit down and slow himself for a while.
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